the thing we don't do

I've had an article from WORLD Magazine glued inside one of my journals for years. According to the archives of the author, Andree Seu, since around Sept 2006. It talks of forgiveness and how it's "the hardest thing you will ever do".

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I always second guess my forgiveness. Not in the sense of whether I should but whether I actually have completed the task. And this article helps remind me that it's not a one and done kind of deal. It's not words spoken. It's a fierce battle.

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So how long does it take for the words 'I forgive you' to leave my mouth and reach my heart?

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The act of forgiveness is described within the article as "a brutal mathematical transaction done with fully engaged faculties. It's my pain instead of yours. I eat the debt. I absorb the misery I wanted to dish out on you, and you go scot-free."

Forgiveness...sucks. It goes against the core of me which thinks that since I've been wronged, I deserve...something! anything! to right the wrong that's been done against me or my reputation or my friend or my family. At least let me get a few digs in, make sure they suffer because I've suffered.

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Andree continues with a warning to "beware the forgiveness that is tendered soon after injury; be suspicious. Real forgiveness needs a time lag, for it is wrought in private agony before it ever comes to public amnesty. All true acts of courage are thus done in secret."

Yesterday I told you that I forgive you but today I want nothing more than to give you the silent treatment so I know that you know that I'm not suddenly "ok" with how things went down. You're still a jerk, you better realize that. It's not allowed to be "I forgive and you forget". I deserve... something! anything!

I get a headache trying to remember which cheek I need to turn and what shoes I should wear to walk that extra mile. It's exhausting. Why am I the one who has to be civil and controlled? Why am I the one focusing actual energy into being the better person?

and that's when I always get the Godsmack...

who, exactly, said anything about me being a better person? Forgive because you have been forgiven. Forgive because you are no better a person so how dare you do anything but offer what has been offered to you. And maybe try doing it with a little less arrogance, next time.

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Ok, ok, I got it. Spirit of forgiveness. I said the words and, I promise, I meant them. Truly, I really want this to work! I'm looking at you and my eyes aren't creeping slowly into a death glare. We're good and I'm golden. For a day, a week, a month. Until you do something else to me. Doesn't have to be big. Doesn't even have to be you who's doing it, just has to remind me that at one point in my life, I was mistreated by you.

"The illusion of having forgiven is that the passage of time dulls memory. The ruse will come to light with hair-trigger vengeance when fresh offense hurls in to empty out the gunnysack of half-digested grievances."

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"I forgave her and it took me a whole year and I had to forgive her in small sums over that whole twelve months. I paid those sums whenever I spoke to her and kept myself from rehashing the past. I paid them whenever I saw her with another man and refused self-pity and rehearsal inside for what she'd done to me. I paid them whenever I praised her to others when I really wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments but she never knew them. However, I never knew her payments, but I know she made them. I could tell."

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Merriam-Webster defines act as "the doing of a thing". Doing as in not done. The act of forgiveness is ongoing. It must always be with you. And because we have our pride and we feel like we deserve something/anything, it's not going to be our default response.

Colossians 3 talks about putting away the things of your old self [anger, wrath, malice, slander, etc.] and putting on the new self...compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness. 'and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.'

In my head, I picture it like layers of clothes and the things I stick in my pockets. What I carry on me and in my purse. When I'm stranded in life, this is what I have to get me somewhere. And I'm awfully weighed down when I try to somehow manage both selfs. Maybe if the new self is all that I'm working with, these acts..of compassion...of kindness...of forgiveness...will be closer within reach. Maybe I won't have to rummage through the pockets of anger and malice to get to where I shoved them the last time I had to use them.

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Maybe it'll stop taking so long for the words to leave my mouth and reach my heart.

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trust the mess: ache & loss

Ache. the toppling over,
the feeling that something vital is disintegrating,
that stuck in the muck feeling
seeping out at the edges.

Oh, i want to twist away from this loneliness.
there seems to be no place for it
in the swirling world around me.
all this sadness and unexpressed parts.

we can end up carrying all this sadness
and unexpressed bits of ourselves
if we don't speak up, spill open
and be truly as we are.

i am learning that loving all the way
can ache and sting, but loving halfway
doesn't keep us safe,
it leaves us with a hope that could
never live out loud.

let yourself pour forward and be a place
for your ache to rest.

[sabrina.ward.harrison]

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Loss and letting go of my ache

it can feel so dumb and
pointless and so sad and real
other times.

i feel::

1. shaky
2. red
3. worried
4. sore head
5. spinning eyes
6. sick with doubt
7. exhausted

this i believe is my way into healing::

1. tell the truth
2. be brave on the rocks
3. cry in the sun
4. let go gently
5. find my way back home
6. question power
7. find a new view

after::

i don't like how afraid my
hands are to be empty

[sabrina.ward.harrison]

discovery

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hold fast to the beauty all around you

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faith.hope.love

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. [colossians 2:6-7]

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today in worship, jason touched upon what we have as Lord in our lives. and how all of them require us to do something first to establish them or keep them around. success. boyfriends. money. but Christ is different. we receive Him as Lord, first.

Indicative before the imperative.

as some website puts it..."the New Testament uses indicative statements when discussing what God has done, is doing or will do. Imperative statements are used when saying what we should do. It is important to realize, not only that both moods are present in the Bible, but that there is a specific relationship between these two moods in the area of sanctification. Namely, what God commands us to do (the imperative) is based upon what he has done, is doing or will do (the indicatives). God is signifying by this consistent pattern that sanctification depends on God, but involves human volition and cooperation."

The foundation is there. It's God. He's not going anywhere. What we build on that foundation is up to us. i've been building a whole lot of crap.

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things have definitely been one step forward, two or three or ten steps back these last few years. but it's getting better? or something. small steps. maybe try for the right direction this time. found an old journal entry that had a few good ideas.

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3/4/07

so i'm trying to turn my life around...i guess.

idk, i've just been really wondering what it's all about and what is really going to matter at the end of the day. my spiritual life is pretty dead. it's in need of some serious revival. and i'm thinking i should get on that before i'm so totally far away from everything that i'm completely apathetic.

i just have this whole new opinion on my faith and life and beliefs and i need to step it up and put it into practice. i want to get back to reading God's Word and praying and living in a relationship with Him. the past few years of my life have been so difficult and i just let myself sink to this comfortably depressed state where even when i'm 'happy' i'm separated from God. and it's so frustrating. my failing relationship with my dad has really affected my relationship with God. and i can no longer let that happen.

i have to piece things back together and fit in all this new knowledge and become the person i'm supposed to be in His image. i want so badly to make a difference for Him. and live for Him. and i need to stop thinking and just do it. unabashedly.

i'm so over drama and [uneccessary] pain and judgment and argument and insignificance in my life. i just need to live and love like Him. and that's it. Love. like, how simple is it to just live to love like Christ? i realize that i do it only with select people. i can love the guys at work without judgment but not the guys in my class who frustrate me? i can love my best friends and forgive their mistakes but not others?

i have just felt so pressured to give up all the waste in my life. all the thoughts spent comparing others and judging their lives. i mean, i feel like i've gotten immensely better at being less judgmental but recently i've been thinking about it a lot. and how i'm also told to hold up other Christians to their beliefs as well and chastise them in brotherly love.

and i'm so excited about all these new ideas running through my head...how they will help me and how i can incorporate them into my traditional doctrine. i feel like it's either Christians are super conservative or super liberal....like welcome everyone with open arms and a 'whatever floats your boat' attitude or accept only those like you and see things in black & white.

and i'm realizing it's not that easy. yeah, you can live with a stick up your butt looking down at the 'horrible' nonbelievers but is that really what Jesus died on the cross to do? did He become a living sacrifice so His children would act like self righteous brats? but it's not right to go to the opposite extreme. you shouldn't look the other way and accept whatever the world is doing and preaching. that's just a mockery of God's Word.

you can walk in love. you can be in the world but not of the world. you can live and breathe Truth in spirit and word. you can turn heads, help others, show humility and offer it all up for the glory of God.

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serenity, now!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

[repeat until further notice]

Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

ten thousand words

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Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And everyone around me shakes their head in disbelief
And says I’m too caught up
They say young is good and old is fine
And truth is cool but all that matters
Is that you have your good times
But their good times come with prices
And I can’t believe it when I hear the jokes they make
At anyone’s expense except their own
Would they laugh if they knew who paid?

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

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The Avett Brother's album, I and Love and You, has been playing on repeat for the last few days. I could not recommend it more.

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my manic and i

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Sometimes I meet people and wish I knew all about them. What makes them who they are. What they believe. Their opinion on the world. I have thousand of questions I want their answer to. They just captivate me and I am drawn in.

It takes a while to get them off my mind. I think it is a passion inside of them. Whether they recognize it within themselves...it is there, I feel it and lust after it. Every part of me longs for a taste.

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I dwell a lot on the past. Desperate to return to these moments I remember as being so wonderful. I hold them in my mind and remember small details and crave the feel of these seconds or minutes or hours. I let these moments creep into my now and devalue the worth of the present and throw it into chaos.

I don't trust that I'll have new moments, better moments, so I crawl into the comfortable shadows of the past. And it's almost real again. But time passes...bits and pieces blur...fade...and then disappear. And I have nothing to hold onto.

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I need shine, I need shine, I need shine, step away from my light, I need shine.

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I spend so much time searching for love and His is right there for me. And I avoid it at all costs. I'm trying to work on that. Accepting God's love and His grace and forgiveness.

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why

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I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.
And maybe we'll never know most of them.

But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from,
we can still choose where we go from there.

We can still do things.
And we can try to feel okay about them.
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birds of a feather

All artists: poets, painters, authors, musicians, and more, though our artistic expressions, experiences, and inspirations are different, find upon reflection that we are a similar type of human being. We are inspired to observe, to feel, to be blessed by moments of mysterious inspiration, but also called to labor and sweat over our creations in order to produce moments, words, and objects of beauty.

consider the lilies of the field

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idk. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and a lot of what we need has nothing to do with money. food, shelter, clothes. but that's such a small part. money is only useful for such a small aspect of our needs. I want to focus on the other parts. so I'll work enough. enough money to sustain a life that lets me focus on fulfilling those other, more important, needs. mine and those around me.

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fear of falling

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You are only afraid if you are not in harmony with yourself.
People are afraid because they have never owned up to themselves.

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Met {partially}

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As we walk together,
side by side,
in the swell of dust,
I am forgiving him, step by step,
for the pail of kerosene.
As we walk together,
side by side,
in the sole-deep dust,
I am forgiving myself
for all the rest.

p.206

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before i'm paralyzed

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they don't love you like i love you

Wednesday is lunch with a lovely lady from my old church who is going to sit and describe in painful detail how much i'm hurting my grandmother.

A phone call several months ago somehow led me to agree to this get together. It was at work, I was caught off guard and getting increasingly more upset as the seconds passed so to put an end to that conversation, I volunteered for a future one.

And I have a day and a half to establish how I"m going to react.

I understand that her pleas will be coming from a sincere and loving place. She's not trying to be nosey or meddlesome so I can't be angry with her. I understand why she wants to have this conversation and I'm blessed to know people who have genuine concern for both me and my family.

[but let's get real, here]

there is a lot of ignorance when it comes to the situation with my father and my extended family. my church family has very little idea of what actually happened because the only representatives they have are just as ignorant. these ladies see my grandma's broken heart and are appalled that i could be so callous and horrible as to not even talk to my family anymore. um, hello!?! let's take a step back and maybe start by asking why.

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My dad was able to whitewash an entire decade of sexual abuse followed by another decade of emotional abuse, lies, and dysfunction. I can appreciate that the truth was difficult to process but my grandparents and other family members decided to give up their relationship with me, my mom, and my sister when they chose not to recognize the magnitude of what my dad did when all this came out in 2007.

And I have a lot of problems with that. And when it occurred, I made it explicitly clear that as long as my dad remained in my grandparents house, I would not be able to have a relationship with them. I told them that I understand this is their son but what has occurred is beyond that. Sexual abuse, child molestation, is beyond that. He is a criminal. He is a sick individual. But they made their choice.

My father is a grown man, he was more than financially and physically capable of living on his own. His only need in staying with his parents was to further distort and twist the reality of what happened into whatever nonsense he was able to convince them of and to cement his place as 'victim'.

He succeeded while we were displaced. From sunday church, from holidays, from the comfort, love, and support of our family [kin and congregation]. And i get it, he's your son and your brother. But he's also a very sick man who is receiving no help from your blind eyes and coddling and trust. He belongs in jail followed by a long, intensive treatment program. AA meetings don't really touch upon the demons he struggles with and no amount of him quoting scripture is going to prove a trip down salvations path when he has made no attempt to atone for past sins.

[so let's get real, here]

I didn't draw the lines in the sand. I'm not holding a grudge. I removed myself from horrible, dysfunctional relationships. My dad has yet to seek help or treatment or even acknowledge the reality of the situation. And his family supported him in that. My dad is now engaged. I can only assume this woman has no idea of what actually happened or what my dad is capable of [because what woman with that knowledge would continue with the relationship when no treatment has been sought??] and again, his family has allowed that.

And when my grandpa was dying and I was desperate for a reconnection with the family as was my sister, they again made their choice by not including her as a member of our family. My sister, who until 2007 was never so much as whispered to not be an equal and valuable and loved and cherished member of our family, was disregarded and consciously excluded. and no backpedaling or next day adjustment can change that. there are four grandchildren and one was not acknowledged with intent. it's that simple.

...my only hope and prayer is that she is able to take our grandpa's face lighting up on his deathbed when he heard her voice as the Truth that no matter what filth & lies my dad put into his head, in his heart, she was always his granddaughter. i know it can't erase the last few years but i hope it means something to her...

So again, they made their choice. And I, again, removed myself from horrible, dysfunctional relationships. And same as it was three years ago, this decision was horrible. And same as it was three years ago, the reality of their choice was heart wrenching.

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and during the phone conversation at work, some version of 'i don't know all the details...' came out and that's exactly right. None of you know all or any of the details because you've never asked. You just see a wonderful woman whose heart is breaking because her granddaughter doesn't want to have a relationship with her. And what a horrible, selfish little girl she must be to cause all this pain.

quick update: wasn't so great on my end either...i lost relationships with my dad, my grandma, my grandpa, my uncles, my aunt, my cousins. i lost my church. my home. my other home. my trust. my self worth. my faith. my self. and a thousand other things that have snowballed off of one afternoon in September 2007.

... ... ... ... ...

but how do you say all this to a dear old lady who is trying to mend a broken heart? she just sees the pain of a friend. and shares in that pain.

how do i put into words something so indescribable? and so...foreign? she doesn't understand any of this and she may not ever.

there's a coworker of mine who finds it so awful that i haven't talked to my dad since all this happened. he has a daughter and he could not imagine not being able to have a relationship with her. My coworker feels great pain for my dad and what he must go through every day knowing his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. And when he first used to express these things to me, i would get so frustrated because i didn't understand how he thought it could be any other way when my dad continued to lie and distort the truth. i finally realized it was too far outside his reality. he would never be able to comprehend how a man could sexually abuse a child so he would never understand the aftermath of it. he literally is unable to wrap his mind around it.

and i remember when i was there. when my reality didn't include much of what it does today. when certain options weren't there to choose. even now, i find it hard to adjust my past. these weren't my experiences. i don't have these memories. i just have the knowledge that this existed alongside my perfect childhood. but i have accepted this knowledge and i can't be around those who refuse to. ignorance isn't bliss. staying in the dark is just that and i have clawed my way up into the light. i have accepted the truth and have made steps toward forgiveness and have found some stability and desire to find my self again. but if i involve myself with those so comfortable in the dark, i might find myself missing it.

... ... ... ... ...

so i'll sit and listen to to her tell me what a state my grandma is in. and my heart will break. and i will try to find words to describe the last three years of my heart constantly breaking. and she will look at me with some sympathy but no empathy because you don't know what you don't know. because you don't understand what you can't comprehend. and i will bite my tongue rather than offer false hope. i clawed my way up into the light and i'll be damned if i tumble back down into that darkness.

do the 'roo!

June 10-13 2010

uh.maze.ing

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miike snow
neon indian
the temper trap
the xx

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punch brothers featuring chris thile
conan o'brien
jay electronica
damian marley and nas
she & him
tenacious d
kings of leon
warpaint
bassnectar
kid cudi

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baaba maal
brandi carlile
dave rawlings machine
the avett brothers
weezer
stevie wonder
jay-z

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ingrid michaelson
calexico
regina spektor
zac brown band
dave matthews band

come on in

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When you are in touch with your own feelings, you:
* Become a more real and authentic person.
* Become more honest with yourself about who you are, where you have come from and where you are going.
* Begin to be more willing to take risks and become more vulnerable and intimate in interpersonal relationships.
* Cease being in denial about what is really happening in your life.
* No longer pull in and hide so that you become invisible to yourself and others.
* Take the risk of no longer disassociating or becoming numb when things are going on in your life which are negative or overwhelming.
* Make yourself stay conscious to the reality of your life so that you are able to recall or remember it in the future rather than to have no memory of it.
* Push yourself to have a broadened or enriched emotional vocabulary to describe the experiences of your life.
* Cease viewing life from a black or white perspective and become more willing to take the gray into account.
* Open yourself up to grieve the losses in your life so that you no longer use denial, repression, suppression or delusion to describe your life the way you wanted it to be but rather describe your life the way it really was.
* Allow yourself to become a congruent healthy human being who uses rational, reality-based thinking to assist your feelings to become rational and reality-based so that the actions and behaviors which follow are also rational and reality-based.

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anger
resentful / bitter / dismayed / frustrated / troubled / upset / wary / provoked

happiness
amused / delighted / fortunate / soothed / glad / tickled / pleased / proud / loved / blessed / certain / reassured / hopeful

hurt
damaged / ignored / deserted / isolated / betrayed / deflated / devalued / forgotten / neglected / defeated

inadequacy
helpless / powerless / unworthy

embarrassment
foolish / awkward / mortified / uncomfortable / humiliated

confusion
rattled / anxious / flustered / frustrated

sadness
despondent / abandoned / lonely / disappointed / alone / lost / discouraged / low / pathetic / weary

fear
uneasy / cornered / nervous / overwhelmed / panicky / alarmed / worried


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i've got to tell you what a state i'm in

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bits & pieces from written pages :: the last six months

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that was cute, i like to think it was real. and that sentence pretty much sums up my opinion of that entire relationship. nice.

* * * * * *

let me tell you a few things...it won't work....love is hard for us, we look for boys we know we can never have...a perfect target for our self-esteem issues, he can never reciprocate our feelings which will only reinforce the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. trust me. i'm a cautionary tale. you need to find some self respect...get that mildly attractive groove back. [season1episode11]

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i'm reading East of Eden again. it's kind of amazing. keeping a different color pen close to note soul catching lines that i missed the last time. it's interesting to see lines i marked in the past when i was in a different state of mind and reflect on why i chose them. Steinbeck is brilliant. simply inspiring.

* * * * * *

every time i leave it's as if i dreamt it. edges blur, emotions fade. and it isn't real. it may not have actually happened. i have removed myself from the reality of the situation. it just is.

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i'm just feeling really good and i'm going to hold tight to it. I've been at Wheeler just over six months. I am a much different person...and i will be a better person whether it is because or in spite of the decisions i make.

* * * * * *

always fun...martini's. music. dancing. baking. only needed a makeover montage and it would've been the sequel to Clueless.

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"i like being a girl"

* * * * * *

grandpa's dead. my dad is engaged.

[no pain is for ever. yup, we know this]

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"keep smilin keep shining"

* * * * * *

frustrated. worthless. guilty. desperate. sad. limited. unwanted. pissed. indignant. bitter.

right where i put myself.

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i want to be a tree. naked in the winter air. steady, grounded, strong.

* * * * * *

p.s. Isabella Grace Carney was born this past week! She's lovely.

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i'm ready to sit on the fire escape and read to the night sky.

* * * * * *

"Shane is like a nicer, funnier, more beautiful you..."

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Exit Through the Gift Shop. go see it. it's hilarious and amazing and Banksy is a genius.

* * * * * *

"ever been to france?"

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i went home, had a panic attack, took too much xanax on an empty stomach and spent half my shift at work stoned and trying to stay awake.

* * * * * *

honestly, i could really just use a hug.

these are the times i really miss my dad because he always used to understand that i just needed someone nearby. i didn't want to talk, couldn't express the pain in my heart or the thoughts in my head. i was just hurt and broken and needed to prop up against someone so the pieces didn't fall all over the floor.

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planning my return to the island in a couple weeks. it will be nice to be home, finally.

* * * * * *

between the food reviews & sex ads.

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the anonymous rants & love pleas of iloveyou.ihateyou
found weekly in Philadelphia City Paper surprised me with this:

TENDERING MY RESIGNATION!

i am hereby officially tendering my resignation
as an adult. i have decided i would like to accept
the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. i want
to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
restaurant. i want to sail sticks across a fresh
mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. i want
to think M&M's are better than money because
you can eat them. i want to lie under a big oak tree
and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day. i want to return to a time when
life was simple. when all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but
that didn't bother you, because you didn't know
what you didn't know and you didn't care. all you
knew was to be happy because you were bliss-
fully unaware of the things that should make you
worried or upset. i want to think the world is fair.
that everyone is honest and good. i want to believe
that anything is possible. i want to be oblivious to
the complexities of life and be overly excited by the
little things again. i want to live simple again. i
don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how
to survive more days in the month than there is
money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and
loss of loved ones. i want to believe in the power
of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,
dreams, the imagination, mankind and making
angels in the snow. so, here's my checkbook and
my car keys, my credit card bills and my RRSP
statements. i am officially resigning from adult-
hood. and if you want to discuss this further, you'll
have to catch me first, 'cause..."Tag!!!!!!!You're
It!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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it's spring. be excited.

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hope

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'cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever

[wait til you see my smile]

ocean

There are days I drop
words of comfort on myself
like falling rain & remember
it is enough to be
taken care of by myself.

[storypeople]

be ok

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The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing

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-----Email Message-----
I come from a disfunctional family and now, as an adult, am a parent in a stable boring marriage. I feel lucky.

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Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

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