my current journal, [the handwritten, tear stained, tucked under the mattress variety], has approximately 120 of the 128 pages filled. I'm not really sure when I started it since only a couple entries have dates...post freshman year of college, pre divorce, circa summer '07.
vaguely outlining the last four years of my life, it goes into great detail in some areas [a labelled diagram of my apartment from my second night living here...ugh] while others barely get a page [gave up on putting HP world into words and just scribbled an outline of the castle with 'I want to stay here, always' written underneath].
[] [] [] [] []
when I couldn't find the words to fit the emotions I needed to get out, I stole them from others..
Laura Marling, Pablo Neruda, The Decemberists, Iron & Wine, Jonathon Tropper, Aristotle, Taylor Swift, Joshua Radin, Donald Miller, Stranger Than Fiction, Regina Spektor, Imogen Heap, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, David Sheff, Stephenie Meyer, Jason Mraz, Raymond Carver, Kanye West, Coldplay, Spring Awakening, Mean Girls, Rihanna, Miranda Lambert, The Shins, Glee, Community, Richard "Mike" Craig, John Steinbeck.
[] [] [] [] []
Tucked into the back cover pocket...
- letter never sent to my cousin when he was in prison
- 2 secrets never mailed to frank
- 2 wedding pictures of my parents
- card my sister wrote me on 9/18/09
- 2 pictures of my dad and me when i was little
- panama city, fl newspaper
- photocopy of a coworkers journal entry [feb 2010]
[] [] [] [] []
Noted on the last page are the log ins and passwords to my journals from middle school up to present.
[] [] [] [] []
I usually reread my journal before starting a new one. this one is a weird look into a portion of my life in which i was altered for ever, dramatically. and the chaos that ensued.
[] [] [] [] []
november 2010 -
"i am a much different person. i wonder how many have noticed the changes. i don't know if i am a better person but i know some of the changes were needed. maybe just not the exact way they came about. actually, screw that. i made those choices and i accept that. and i will be a better person whether it is because or in spite of the decisions i make."
[] [] [] [] []
it doesn't house many of my proudest moments. I found short cuts to gaining confidence I had never felt before and self worth I had lost. I found encouragement to go do what I want, when I want, how I want. To be my own person, to make my own decisions and mistakes. So while sprinkled throughout are my half-assed intentions to get back on track, it didn't go too deep. I had cut myself off from God. from any real Christian community or influence. And I was just living life, out on my own.
barf.
[] [] [] [] []
it's interesting, the moments I chose to record. the desires i put in writing. the wisdom and absurdity. the absurdity i once considered wisdom. these pages say nothing and everything about me.
[] [] [] [] []
late winter 2010, early spring 2011 -
"mike told me that i have horrible stories. more [horrible] than anyone else he knows. he finds me interesting. like a car accident, i guess. he also told me that my year of debauchery was my rumspringa. that i need to harbor my positive energy into painting, not just my depression. that i listen to 'little' music. that i can, and should, do anything, everything. that i'm too nice."
later 2011 -
"i've been depressed for a while now. need to force myself back into a schedule. that involves...God, Community, Prayer, Exercise, Friends, Sunshine, Music, Vegetables. I can't seem to get started. everything jumbled and piled on top of me. and the weight is stifling and comfortable."
[] [] [] [] []
my struggles are the same, throughout the entire 120 pages. but i've finally gained ground on them. 2011 was a much better year than the several before it. my need to get back on track started matching up with my desires and behavior. i put effort into my pursuit of healthy community and realized that it was pursuing me as well. And remembered that God was somewhere in the mess of things. I stopped running and let Him catch up.
i have amazing people in my life. creative, intelligent, encouraging, honest, struggling men and women. and that has made all the difference. their love has allowed me to start accepting God's love.
and i am so grateful that i still have five more pages to fill in.
[] [] [] [] []
I've had my next journal sitting in a drawer as long as i've had the current one, waiting to be used. nothing is tucked into the back cover pocket, the last page is still free of the past, but written on the inside of the front are the words stolen from Raymond Carver...
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved in the earth.
[] [] [] [] []
