the thing we don't do

I've had an article from WORLD Magazine glued inside one of my journals for years. According to the archives of the author, Andree Seu, since around Sept 2006. It talks of forgiveness and how it's "the hardest thing you will ever do".

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I always second guess my forgiveness. Not in the sense of whether I should but whether I actually have completed the task. And this article helps remind me that it's not a one and done kind of deal. It's not words spoken. It's a fierce battle.

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So how long does it take for the words 'I forgive you' to leave my mouth and reach my heart?

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The act of forgiveness is described within the article as "a brutal mathematical transaction done with fully engaged faculties. It's my pain instead of yours. I eat the debt. I absorb the misery I wanted to dish out on you, and you go scot-free."

Forgiveness...sucks. It goes against the core of me which thinks that since I've been wronged, I deserve...something! anything! to right the wrong that's been done against me or my reputation or my friend or my family. At least let me get a few digs in, make sure they suffer because I've suffered.

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Andree continues with a warning to "beware the forgiveness that is tendered soon after injury; be suspicious. Real forgiveness needs a time lag, for it is wrought in private agony before it ever comes to public amnesty. All true acts of courage are thus done in secret."

Yesterday I told you that I forgive you but today I want nothing more than to give you the silent treatment so I know that you know that I'm not suddenly "ok" with how things went down. You're still a jerk, you better realize that. It's not allowed to be "I forgive and you forget". I deserve... something! anything!

I get a headache trying to remember which cheek I need to turn and what shoes I should wear to walk that extra mile. It's exhausting. Why am I the one who has to be civil and controlled? Why am I the one focusing actual energy into being the better person?

and that's when I always get the Godsmack...

who, exactly, said anything about me being a better person? Forgive because you have been forgiven. Forgive because you are no better a person so how dare you do anything but offer what has been offered to you. And maybe try doing it with a little less arrogance, next time.

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Ok, ok, I got it. Spirit of forgiveness. I said the words and, I promise, I meant them. Truly, I really want this to work! I'm looking at you and my eyes aren't creeping slowly into a death glare. We're good and I'm golden. For a day, a week, a month. Until you do something else to me. Doesn't have to be big. Doesn't even have to be you who's doing it, just has to remind me that at one point in my life, I was mistreated by you.

"The illusion of having forgiven is that the passage of time dulls memory. The ruse will come to light with hair-trigger vengeance when fresh offense hurls in to empty out the gunnysack of half-digested grievances."

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"I forgave her and it took me a whole year and I had to forgive her in small sums over that whole twelve months. I paid those sums whenever I spoke to her and kept myself from rehashing the past. I paid them whenever I saw her with another man and refused self-pity and rehearsal inside for what she'd done to me. I paid them whenever I praised her to others when I really wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments but she never knew them. However, I never knew her payments, but I know she made them. I could tell."

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Merriam-Webster defines act as "the doing of a thing". Doing as in not done. The act of forgiveness is ongoing. It must always be with you. And because we have our pride and we feel like we deserve something/anything, it's not going to be our default response.

Colossians 3 talks about putting away the things of your old self [anger, wrath, malice, slander, etc.] and putting on the new self...compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forgiveness. 'and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.'

In my head, I picture it like layers of clothes and the things I stick in my pockets. What I carry on me and in my purse. When I'm stranded in life, this is what I have to get me somewhere. And I'm awfully weighed down when I try to somehow manage both selfs. Maybe if the new self is all that I'm working with, these acts..of compassion...of kindness...of forgiveness...will be closer within reach. Maybe I won't have to rummage through the pockets of anger and malice to get to where I shoved them the last time I had to use them.

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Maybe it'll stop taking so long for the words to leave my mouth and reach my heart.

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trust the mess: ache & loss

Ache. the toppling over,
the feeling that something vital is disintegrating,
that stuck in the muck feeling
seeping out at the edges.

Oh, i want to twist away from this loneliness.
there seems to be no place for it
in the swirling world around me.
all this sadness and unexpressed parts.

we can end up carrying all this sadness
and unexpressed bits of ourselves
if we don't speak up, spill open
and be truly as we are.

i am learning that loving all the way
can ache and sting, but loving halfway
doesn't keep us safe,
it leaves us with a hope that could
never live out loud.

let yourself pour forward and be a place
for your ache to rest.

[sabrina.ward.harrison]

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Loss and letting go of my ache

it can feel so dumb and
pointless and so sad and real
other times.

i feel::

1. shaky
2. red
3. worried
4. sore head
5. spinning eyes
6. sick with doubt
7. exhausted

this i believe is my way into healing::

1. tell the truth
2. be brave on the rocks
3. cry in the sun
4. let go gently
5. find my way back home
6. question power
7. find a new view

after::

i don't like how afraid my
hands are to be empty

[sabrina.ward.harrison]