i ain't lost: June 2010

Wednesday is lunch with a lovely lady from my old church who is going to sit and describe in painful detail how much i'm hurting my grandmother.

A phone call several months ago somehow led me to agree to this get together. It was at work, I was caught off guard and getting increasingly more upset as the seconds passed so to put an end to that conversation, I volunteered for a future one.

And I have a day and a half to establish how I"m going to react.

I understand that her pleas will be coming from a sincere and loving place. She's not trying to be nosey or meddlesome so I can't be angry with her. I understand why she wants to have this conversation and I'm blessed to know people who have genuine concern for both me and my family.

[but let's get real, here]

there is a lot of ignorance when it comes to the situation with my father and my extended family. my church family has very little idea of what actually happened because the only representatives they have are just as ignorant. these ladies see my grandma's broken heart and are appalled that i could be so callous and horrible as to not even talk to my family anymore. um, hello!?! let's take a step back and maybe start by asking why.

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My dad was able to whitewash an entire decade of sexual abuse followed by another decade of emotional abuse, lies, and dysfunction. I can appreciate that the truth was difficult to process but my grandparents and other family members decided to give up their relationship with me, my mom, and my sister when they chose not to recognize the magnitude of what my dad did when all this came out in 2007.

And I have a lot of problems with that. And when it occurred, I made it explicitly clear that as long as my dad remained in my grandparents house, I would not be able to have a relationship with them. I told them that I understand this is their son but what has occurred is beyond that. Sexual abuse, child molestation, is beyond that. He is a criminal. He is a sick individual. But they made their choice.

My father is a grown man, he was more than financially and physically capable of living on his own. His only need in staying with his parents was to further distort and twist the reality of what happened into whatever nonsense he was able to convince them of and to cement his place as 'victim'.

He succeeded while we were displaced. From sunday church, from holidays, from the comfort, love, and support of our family [kin and congregation]. And i get it, he's your son and your brother. But he's also a very sick man who is receiving no help from your blind eyes and coddling and trust. He belongs in jail followed by a long, intensive treatment program. AA meetings don't really touch upon the demons he struggles with and no amount of him quoting scripture is going to prove a trip down salvations path when he has made no attempt to atone for past sins.

[so let's get real, here]

I didn't draw the lines in the sand. I'm not holding a grudge. I removed myself from horrible, dysfunctional relationships. My dad has yet to seek help or treatment or even acknowledge the reality of the situation. And his family supported him in that. My dad is now engaged. I can only assume this woman has no idea of what actually happened or what my dad is capable of [because what woman with that knowledge would continue with the relationship when no treatment has been sought??] and again, his family has allowed that.

And when my grandpa was dying and I was desperate for a reconnection with the family as was my sister, they again made their choice by not including her as a member of our family. My sister, who until 2007 was never so much as whispered to not be an equal and valuable and loved and cherished member of our family, was disregarded and consciously excluded. and no backpedaling or next day adjustment can change that. there are four grandchildren and one was not acknowledged with intent. it's that simple.

...my only hope and prayer is that she is able to take our grandpa's face lighting up on his deathbed when he heard her voice as the Truth that no matter what filth & lies my dad put into his head, in his heart, she was always his granddaughter. i know it can't erase the last few years but i hope it means something to her...

So again, they made their choice. And I, again, removed myself from horrible, dysfunctional relationships. And same as it was three years ago, this decision was horrible. And same as it was three years ago, the reality of their choice was heart wrenching.

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and during the phone conversation at work, some version of 'i don't know all the details...' came out and that's exactly right. None of you know all or any of the details because you've never asked. You just see a wonderful woman whose heart is breaking because her granddaughter doesn't want to have a relationship with her. And what a horrible, selfish little girl she must be to cause all this pain.

quick update: wasn't so great on my end either...i lost relationships with my dad, my grandma, my grandpa, my uncles, my aunt, my cousins. i lost my church. my home. my other home. my trust. my self worth. my faith. my self. and a thousand other things that have snowballed off of one afternoon in September 2007.

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but how do you say all this to a dear old lady who is trying to mend a broken heart? she just sees the pain of a friend. and shares in that pain.

how do i put into words something so indescribable? and so...foreign? she doesn't understand any of this and she may not ever.

there's a coworker of mine who finds it so awful that i haven't talked to my dad since all this happened. he has a daughter and he could not imagine not being able to have a relationship with her. My coworker feels great pain for my dad and what he must go through every day knowing his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. And when he first used to express these things to me, i would get so frustrated because i didn't understand how he thought it could be any other way when my dad continued to lie and distort the truth. i finally realized it was too far outside his reality. he would never be able to comprehend how a man could sexually abuse a child so he would never understand the aftermath of it. he literally is unable to wrap his mind around it.

and i remember when i was there. when my reality didn't include much of what it does today. when certain options weren't there to choose. even now, i find it hard to adjust my past. these weren't my experiences. i don't have these memories. i just have the knowledge that this existed alongside my perfect childhood. but i have accepted this knowledge and i can't be around those who refuse to. ignorance isn't bliss. staying in the dark is just that and i have clawed my way up into the light. i have accepted the truth and have made steps toward forgiveness and have found some stability and desire to find my self again. but if i involve myself with those so comfortable in the dark, i might find myself missing it.

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so i'll sit and listen to to her tell me what a state my grandma is in. and my heart will break. and i will try to find words to describe the last three years of my heart constantly breaking. and she will look at me with some sympathy but no empathy because you don't know what you don't know. because you don't understand what you can't comprehend. and i will bite my tongue rather than offer false hope. i clawed my way up into the light and i'll be damned if i tumble back down into that darkness.

i ain't lost

Monday, June 21, 2010

they don't love you like i love you

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

do the 'roo!