stripped bare

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It's really nice to have people around who know you more than you know yourself. who have willingly [!] learned your moods and nuances and expressions and groans and outbursts. who can calm you down in an instant.

it's really nice to have people tell you that you're being ridiculous, when you are, in fact, being ridiculous, but do it in a way that you can actually ingest.

I usually react in two ways when I get upset or my feelings are hurt - instant tears or blood boiling. tears leads to me shutting down completely, blood boiling, I just want to punch you in your face, but since I've never punched anyone in the face, I just yell and get red and then end up in tears.

and there's this moment...where i'm right on the verge of falling face first into this, that I can be rescued from myself.

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I was there, earlier - blood boiling option.

I felt slighted & dismissed by a friend. I reacted instantly, thoughtlessly. a quick sentence via text, thrown out to bait the situation. to grab for pity or anger or anything to warrant some irrational response to hold against the person later.

..Easy.

that was the sentence I got back.

...Easy.

and my blood cooled.

I could even see the stern look that went with it, one that I've gotten countless times from him, in similar situations. [for anyone trying to master this look - it somehow doesn't involved any eye-rolling...how is that even possible in these moments?! the sincerity & humility of this expression confounds me]

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I appreciate those types. how can I not? that can hear below the surface of my statement. who can see my intention. who can see the hurt, the broken.

Jason, in his sermons, will talk often about the heart issue. How, in the gospel, Jesus cuts through the nonsense spewing from whomever is baiting Him, and gets to the Point. I see the gospel a lot, in these moments in my life. from people who love me and know me enough not to take the bait. who wade through my nonsense and get to the Point.

who call me out when my intentions are bad. who recognize when my intentions are good. who rescue me from myself.

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sounds like hallelujah

[jan] creeping weeds {pete solo show} - Kung Fu Necktie - w/ Lisa

[feb] carolina chocolate drops (hoots & hellmouth) - WCL at the Queen - w/ Lisa

[mar] head + the heart (black girls) - Union Transfer - w/ Muller & Wayne

[apr] mayer hawthorne - Union Transfer - w/ Caryne & Abigail

[may] the shins (real estate) - Tower Theater - solo
[may] two gallants - Johnny Brenda's - solo

[jun] foster the people (tokyo police club) - Mann Center - w/ Muller + co.

[jul] best coast - Union Transfer - Meggie & Co.

[aug] my morning jacket - Mann Center - Keen, Lisa, Pete

[sep]

[oct] passion pit - Abigail

[nov] ray lamontagne - Jason, Katie, & Tizzy

[dec]

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my new years resolution this year was to go to only one show each month. it was an attempt to put some boundaries on the amount of money I spend catering my taste for music. I put forth some guidelines...tickets should hover around the 20-30 $ range and the whole night shouldn't put me much over $50 [parking, drinks, food, etc.].

a couple weeks into the endeavor, I added loopholes.

Festivals don't count - June would still get a concert even with Bonnaroo in it. If anything, I would need one more in that month to ease the withdrawal. July is getting a concert in addition to Firefly because it's Best Coast. I can't not go see Best Coast.

Friends bands don't count - trekking to a crummy bar in philly on a wednesday after work or driving an hour to a packed coffee shop for open mic after practically begging an apathetic friend to go with me, whether I enjoy the music or not, is not an indulgence.

a couple months into the endeavor, I started cheating.

it was a wednesday in may and i was in a bad mood so i decided i needed to see the shins the following evening and i needed to be as close as possible...budget, be damned! it was incredible. i can count on one hand how often i do things spontaneous & by myself. it allowed me the courage to go solo to two gallants, a few weeks later, when my friend didn't get on the list. waiting for 2Gs to come on, i stopped and realized how much of an accomplishment this was for me and my social anxiety. i don't regret cheating.

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in limiting myself, i know i've missed out on some great shows. and not all the shows chosen have been good. january was a huge let down. and june ended up being a throwaway. but the whole process has been fun. figuring out who is going to be in town each month and weighing out the options. being horribly disappointed when i realize the show i want is too expensive or on a busy day. turning friends on to music i love and getting to share in it with them.

I love live music. i show up on time & look up the opening act when i get home. I love that I can be a part of these moments that feel so important and connected. I love hearing songs played that have meant so much to me and that have hours of my life invested in them. i'm THAT girl. who cries when she meets stephan jenkins. who stands in the freezing cold to hug rufus wainwright. who geeks out with the stranger next to her about james mercer's very existence.

this is probably the only resolution i have ever kept. and it's definitely the best one i have ever made.