[it was raining and it was before I could drive]
My sister was away at college. I can't remember if it was spring or winter or fall. I may have had my permit, I guess, because it was when things had already gotten bad.
And dad was crying. Sobbing. In anguish. On my shoulder. I can't remember what the argument was about. His drinking or his inability to be a decent husband or dad...whatever. I just remember hiding out in my room and then my dad coming in and sobbing on my shoulder. telling me he was sorry. I can't remember many times my dad has even shed a couple tears. So this was shocking.
and pathetic. i was completely disgusted with him. with what our lives had become. with what our family had been reduced to.
i shoved him off and ran downstairs and found...nothing. mom had left. her unplanned drives or trips downstate had gotten a lot more frequent. sometimes I would call her and ask where she was, what she was doing..."I'm driving, I'm fine"
i never believed the second part since most every time i could hear the tears in her voice. in the beginning I would ask when she was coming back but stopped when I no longer was certain of the answer.
[it was raining and it was before I could drive]
so I just ran.
I wandered about a mile and then sat on a curb for an hour or so. going over names in my cell phone and deciding what could be done. I couldn't call my sister, two hours away might as well have been ten and she had gotten out, I wasn't going to drag her back in.
I finally decided to call my cousin. I can't remember how much she or the family knew at that point...not much, as I recall. my mom, sister, and I pretty much didn't talk about it since we were too busy trying desperately to ignore it. I felt awkward reaching out to her but she was safe, she was family, and she could drive.
she took me to her house and I crawled into bed. eventually, my mom called to see where I was. She came to pick me up and I asked if she wanted to come inside and talk. She said no, I'm taking you home, just get in the car.
what could i do.
[it was raining and it was before I could drive]
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
so what now
[] [] [ the past ] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
what's that word, for what the amish do? i was going to use it for a song, but it's an ugly sounding word. that. that's all that was. R something. you were just doing that. now you're back to you.
[] [] [] [] []
Rumspringa (also Rumschpringe or Rumshpringa -- derived from the "Deitsch" (Amish dialect of German) term for 'running around'. -- generally refers to a period of adolescence for members of the Amish religious denomination - a subsect of the Anabaptist Christian movement - that begins around the age of sixteen and ends when a youth chooses baptism within the Amish church or instead leaves the community.
[] [] [] [] []
It is both a blessing and a curse to be known yet loved, in spite of that knowledge.
a blessing because they tell you want you need to hear.
a curse because they tell you what you don't want to hear.
[] [] [ the present ] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
Think about how we feel when we see someone we love ravaged by unwise actions and relationships. Do we respond with benign tolerance as we might toward strangers? Far from it…Anger isn’t the opposite of love. Hate is, and the final form of hate is indifference. God’s wrath is not a cranky explosion, but his settled opposition to the cancer which is eating out the insides of the human race he loves with his whole being. [Becky.Pippert]
[] [] [] [] []
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more? You observe days and months and seasons and years! I am afraid I may have labored over you in vain.
...
What then has become of the blessing you felt? For I testify to you that, if possible, you would have gouged out your eyes and given them to me. Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth? They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.
...
I wish I could be present with you now and change my tone, for I am perplexed about you. [galatians 4:8-20]
[] [] [] [] []
It is both a blessing and a curse to know yet love, in spite of that knowledge.
a blessing because they receive you for what they need to hear.
a curse because they reject you for what they don't want to hear.
[] [] [] [] []
Oh, I think you’re lost to me
Just a stranger I will never see
I drove away
And I walked out that door
But you had left us long before
...
It’s not about the things I wanted then
I’ve come to see that I couldn’t have used them
All the same it’s true that even now
I’d like to talk to you somehow
...
In the dimness of those last days bloom
While I was packing up the spare bedroom
You came and offered me a solemn word
About a voice you’d often heard
It was a moment when I saw inside
A little break from all that stoic pride
Do I think now that this would ring a bell?
You know I couldn’t even tell you
Oh my friend you’re lost to me
Another stranger I will never see
[] [] [ the future ] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
walk in love.
God will fulfill your needs.
and reshape your wants.
just walk in love.
[] [] [] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
what's that word, for what the amish do? i was going to use it for a song, but it's an ugly sounding word. that. that's all that was. R something. you were just doing that. now you're back to you.
[] [] [] [] []
Rumspringa (also Rumschpringe or Rumshpringa -- derived from the "Deitsch" (Amish dialect of German) term for 'running around'. -- generally refers to a period of adolescence for members of the Amish religious denomination - a subsect of the Anabaptist Christian movement - that begins around the age of sixteen and ends when a youth chooses baptism within the Amish church or instead leaves the community.
[] [] [] [] []
It is both a blessing and a curse to be known yet loved, in spite of that knowledge.
a blessing because they tell you want you need to hear.
a curse because they tell you what you don't want to hear.
[] [] [ the present ] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
Think about how we feel when we see someone we love ravaged by unwise actions and relationships. Do we respond with benign tolerance as we might toward strangers? Far from it…Anger isn’t the opposite of love. Hate is, and the final form of hate is indifference. God’s wrath is not a cranky explosion, but his settled opposition to the cancer which is eating out the insides of the human race he loves with his whole being. [Becky.Pippert]
[] [] [] [] []
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more? You observe days and months and seasons and years! I am afraid I may have labored over you in vain.
...
What then has become of the blessing you felt? For I testify to you that, if possible, you would have gouged out your eyes and given them to me. Have I then become your enemy by telling you the truth? They make much of you, but for no good purpose. They want to shut you out, that you may make much of them.
...
I wish I could be present with you now and change my tone, for I am perplexed about you. [galatians 4:8-20]
[] [] [] [] []
It is both a blessing and a curse to know yet love, in spite of that knowledge.
a blessing because they receive you for what they need to hear.
a curse because they reject you for what they don't want to hear.
[] [] [] [] []
Oh, I think you’re lost to me
Just a stranger I will never see
I drove away
And I walked out that door
But you had left us long before
...
It’s not about the things I wanted then
I’ve come to see that I couldn’t have used them
All the same it’s true that even now
I’d like to talk to you somehow
...
In the dimness of those last days bloom
While I was packing up the spare bedroom
You came and offered me a solemn word
About a voice you’d often heard
It was a moment when I saw inside
A little break from all that stoic pride
Do I think now that this would ring a bell?
You know I couldn’t even tell you
Oh my friend you’re lost to me
Another stranger I will never see
[] [] [ the future ] [] []
[] [] [] [] []
walk in love.
God will fulfill your needs.
and reshape your wants.
just walk in love.
[] [] [] [] []
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