[] [] [] [] []
It's really nice to have people around who know you more than you know yourself. who have willingly [!] learned your moods and nuances and expressions and groans and outbursts. who can calm you down in an instant.
it's really nice to have people tell you that you're being ridiculous, when you are, in fact, being ridiculous, but do it in a way that you can actually ingest.
I usually react in two ways when I get upset or my feelings are hurt - instant tears or blood boiling. tears leads to me shutting down completely, blood boiling, I just want to punch you in your face, but since I've never punched anyone in the face, I just yell and get red and then end up in tears.
and there's this moment...where i'm right on the verge of falling face first into this, that I can be rescued from myself.
[] [] [] [] []
I was there, earlier - blood boiling option.
I felt slighted & dismissed by a friend. I reacted instantly, thoughtlessly. a quick sentence via text, thrown out to bait the situation. to grab for pity or anger or anything to warrant some irrational response to hold against the person later.
..Easy.
that was the sentence I got back.
...Easy.
and my blood cooled.
I could even see the stern look that went with it, one that I've gotten countless times from him, in similar situations. [for anyone trying to master this look - it somehow doesn't involved any eye-rolling...how is that even possible in these moments?! the sincerity & humility of this expression confounds me]
[] [] [] [] []
I appreciate those types. how can I not? that can hear below the surface of my statement. who can see my intention. who can see the hurt, the broken.
Jason, in his sermons, will talk often about the heart issue. How, in the gospel, Jesus cuts through the nonsense spewing from whomever is baiting Him, and gets to the Point. I see the gospel a lot, in these moments in my life. from people who love me and know me enough not to take the bait. who wade through my nonsense and get to the Point.
who call me out when my intentions are bad. who recognize when my intentions are good. who rescue me from myself.
[] [] [] [] []
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
sounds like hallelujah
[jan] creeping weeds {pete solo show} - Kung Fu Necktie - w/ Lisa
[feb] carolina chocolate drops (hoots & hellmouth) - WCL at the Queen - w/ Lisa
[mar] head + the heart (black girls) - Union Transfer - w/ Muller & Wayne
[apr] mayer hawthorne - Union Transfer - w/ Caryne & Abigail
[may] the shins (real estate) - Tower Theater - solo
[may] two gallants - Johnny Brenda's - solo
[jun] foster the people (tokyo police club) - Mann Center - w/ Muller + co.
[jul] best coast - Union Transfer - Meggie & Co.
[aug] my morning jacket - Mann Center - Keen, Lisa, Pete
[sep]
[oct] passion pit - Abigail
[nov] ray lamontagne - Jason, Katie, & Tizzy
[dec]
[] [] [] [] []
my new years resolution this year was to go to only one show each month. it was an attempt to put some boundaries on the amount of money I spend catering my taste for music. I put forth some guidelines...tickets should hover around the 20-30 $ range and the whole night shouldn't put me much over $50 [parking, drinks, food, etc.].
a couple weeks into the endeavor, I added loopholes.
Festivals don't count - June would still get a concert even with Bonnaroo in it. If anything, I would need one more in that month to ease the withdrawal. July is getting a concert in addition to Firefly because it's Best Coast. I can't not go see Best Coast.
Friends bands don't count - trekking to a crummy bar in philly on a wednesday after work or driving an hour to a packed coffee shop for open mic after practically begging an apathetic friend to go with me, whether I enjoy the music or not, is not an indulgence.
a couple months into the endeavor, I started cheating.
it was a wednesday in may and i was in a bad mood so i decided i needed to see the shins the following evening and i needed to be as close as possible...budget, be damned! it was incredible. i can count on one hand how often i do things spontaneous & by myself. it allowed me the courage to go solo to two gallants, a few weeks later, when my friend didn't get on the list. waiting for 2Gs to come on, i stopped and realized how much of an accomplishment this was for me and my social anxiety. i don't regret cheating.
[] [] [] [] []
in limiting myself, i know i've missed out on some great shows. and not all the shows chosen have been good. january was a huge let down. and june ended up being a throwaway. but the whole process has been fun. figuring out who is going to be in town each month and weighing out the options. being horribly disappointed when i realize the show i want is too expensive or on a busy day. turning friends on to music i love and getting to share in it with them.
I love live music. i show up on time & look up the opening act when i get home. I love that I can be a part of these moments that feel so important and connected. I love hearing songs played that have meant so much to me and that have hours of my life invested in them. i'm THAT girl. who cries when she meets stephan jenkins. who stands in the freezing cold to hug rufus wainwright. who geeks out with the stranger next to her about james mercer's very existence.
this is probably the only resolution i have ever kept. and it's definitely the best one i have ever made.
[feb] carolina chocolate drops (hoots & hellmouth) - WCL at the Queen - w/ Lisa
[mar] head + the heart (black girls) - Union Transfer - w/ Muller & Wayne
[apr] mayer hawthorne - Union Transfer - w/ Caryne & Abigail
[may] the shins (real estate) - Tower Theater - solo
[may] two gallants - Johnny Brenda's - solo
[jun] foster the people (tokyo police club) - Mann Center - w/ Muller + co.
[jul] best coast - Union Transfer - Meggie & Co.
[aug] my morning jacket - Mann Center - Keen, Lisa, Pete
[sep]
[oct] passion pit - Abigail
[nov] ray lamontagne - Jason, Katie, & Tizzy
[dec]
[] [] [] [] []
my new years resolution this year was to go to only one show each month. it was an attempt to put some boundaries on the amount of money I spend catering my taste for music. I put forth some guidelines...tickets should hover around the 20-30 $ range and the whole night shouldn't put me much over $50 [parking, drinks, food, etc.].
a couple weeks into the endeavor, I added loopholes.
Festivals don't count - June would still get a concert even with Bonnaroo in it. If anything, I would need one more in that month to ease the withdrawal. July is getting a concert in addition to Firefly because it's Best Coast. I can't not go see Best Coast.
Friends bands don't count - trekking to a crummy bar in philly on a wednesday after work or driving an hour to a packed coffee shop for open mic after practically begging an apathetic friend to go with me, whether I enjoy the music or not, is not an indulgence.
a couple months into the endeavor, I started cheating.
it was a wednesday in may and i was in a bad mood so i decided i needed to see the shins the following evening and i needed to be as close as possible...budget, be damned! it was incredible. i can count on one hand how often i do things spontaneous & by myself. it allowed me the courage to go solo to two gallants, a few weeks later, when my friend didn't get on the list. waiting for 2Gs to come on, i stopped and realized how much of an accomplishment this was for me and my social anxiety. i don't regret cheating.
[] [] [] [] []
in limiting myself, i know i've missed out on some great shows. and not all the shows chosen have been good. january was a huge let down. and june ended up being a throwaway. but the whole process has been fun. figuring out who is going to be in town each month and weighing out the options. being horribly disappointed when i realize the show i want is too expensive or on a busy day. turning friends on to music i love and getting to share in it with them.
I love live music. i show up on time & look up the opening act when i get home. I love that I can be a part of these moments that feel so important and connected. I love hearing songs played that have meant so much to me and that have hours of my life invested in them. i'm THAT girl. who cries when she meets stephan jenkins. who stands in the freezing cold to hug rufus wainwright. who geeks out with the stranger next to her about james mercer's very existence.
this is probably the only resolution i have ever kept. and it's definitely the best one i have ever made.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
do the roo: vol III
[][thursday][]
the applebutter express
rubblebucket
the cave singers
dale earnhardt jr. jr.
yelawolf
kendrick lamar
alabama shakes
[][friday][]
laura marling
the avett brothers
dawes
radiohead
[][saturday][]
blind pilot
punch brothers
childish gambino
...ok, that's not technically his music but he & Abed are hilarious...
the roots
red hot chili peppers
..then i got violently ill for the remainder of the night. and spent sunday in the tent.
whompwhommmppp.
[][][][][]
miss it, already.
the applebutter express
rubblebucket
the cave singers
dale earnhardt jr. jr.
yelawolf
kendrick lamar
alabama shakes
[][friday][]
laura marling
the avett brothers
dawes
radiohead
[][saturday][]
blind pilot
punch brothers
childish gambino
...ok, that's not technically his music but he & Abed are hilarious...
the roots
red hot chili peppers
..then i got violently ill for the remainder of the night. and spent sunday in the tent.
whompwhommmppp.
[][][][][]
miss it, already.
Monday, March 12, 2012
there's a chapter called Gum.
[1] No One Cares
[2] Money Is Everything
[3] Always Think Negative
[4] Trust No One
[5] You Can't Turn A Ho Into A Housewife
[6] All That Glitters Is Not Gold
[7] Girls Like Being Liked
I found this list of "Life Rules" in an old wallet.
It was a handed out by a coworker a few years ago as a joke.
When I discovered it, I remembered what a kick we all got out of it and stuck it in my current bag.
Over the last couple days, i get caught on it whenever I open my purse.
because it's too easy to believe these things.
some days...a lot of days...I believe these things.
I'm going to think up some counter arguments.
[2] Money Is Everything
[3] Always Think Negative
[4] Trust No One
[5] You Can't Turn A Ho Into A Housewife
[6] All That Glitters Is Not Gold
[7] Girls Like Being Liked
I found this list of "Life Rules" in an old wallet.
It was a handed out by a coworker a few years ago as a joke.
When I discovered it, I remembered what a kick we all got out of it and stuck it in my current bag.
Over the last couple days, i get caught on it whenever I open my purse.
because it's too easy to believe these things.
some days...a lot of days...I believe these things.
I'm going to think up some counter arguments.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
cause & effect
last night, I had nightmares. tonight, i ate a lot of cookies.
[] [] [] [] []
"Do you take pride in your hurt?" Samuel asked. "Does it make you seem large and tragic?"
- p 293
[] [] [] [] []
"Abra, my mother was a whore."
"I know. You told me. My father was a thief."
"I've got her blood, Abra. Don't you understand?"
"I've got his," she said.
-p 596
[] [] [] [] []
"Do you take pride in your hurt?" Samuel asked. "Does it make you seem large and tragic?"
- p 293
[] [] [] [] []
"Abra, my mother was a whore."
"I know. You told me. My father was a thief."
"I've got her blood, Abra. Don't you understand?"
"I've got his," she said.
-p 596
Friday, February 10, 2012
reconcile
Verb:
Restore friendly relations between
Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.
[] [] [] [] []
I got to work today and it was one of those days where I knew if someone looked at me wrong, I was going to burst into tears. Then my coworker said something to me [i think it was "hey, Lilly"] and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.
But, instead of crying, I took a deep breath and I texted six friends, asking them for prayer. It helped immensely.
[] [] [] [] []
Shortly after, I called my mom in the hopes that she would be free for lunch because I knew I would need a break. She said she had plans already and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.
But, instead of crying, when she asked if I needed her to cancel, I said yes. We ate and talked. It helped immensely.
[] [] [] [] []
This week was hard. Mostly because I'm trying to make things easier. I brought up what I'm struggling with [see previous post] on Wednesday night to Abigail. And again, on Thursday, to Bethany. And again, tonight, to Jason.
It helped immensely.
I'm dealing with my being an introvert and needing to reserve time for myself and "just say no" to always doing things and the greatest help so far has been sharing it with my community. and that's the point, entirely. I love being able to sit on the phone with my pastor, Jason, and hear him describe his own introverted nature and how it affects him. I love having my extroverted friend, Bethany, say that she's there to do what I can't. And I love having my friend, Abigail, ask me to return to favor when I present her with my plea for prayer and support.
[] [] [] [] []
I am struggling with being introverted in community but I am not really allowing myself to be introverted in community. I remembered tonight about a conversation I had with my friend, Mike, a few months into becoming a part of CCW. Mike, after seeing me exhausted and overwhelmed with a desire to become better friends with everyone, looked at me like I was a lunatic and said, "no one is expecting you to do that, so why are you?" [knowing my anxiety, he also comes up after any worship that involves me talking to the group and offers me praise..it's amusing and much appreciated]
[] [] [] [] []
I keep my feeling inside way more than I should. Until they bubble and seep and boil over. It's why I journal. Privately, and on here. When I was a kid, I used to write these long journal entries with all these feelings and thoughts I had inside and then would drop it like a bomb on my parents for them to read while I went and sat in my room, waiting for their reaction. Now I just kind of give glimpses with this blog and sit at work, waiting for the email from my mom with her reaction.
I wasn't really thinking that I was doing that to poor Jason when I sent him a message to check out my last post.
Lilly, I don't even know what wednesday quilting is...
Wednesday quilting is my favorite night of the week. And without Jason or City Church of Wilmington, my favorite night would not exist. and because I need it to exist, I took a deep breath and did not answer the phone when my friend called tonight about going out.
[] [] [] [] []
Restore friendly relations between
Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.
[] [] [] [] []
I got to work today and it was one of those days where I knew if someone looked at me wrong, I was going to burst into tears. Then my coworker said something to me [i think it was "hey, Lilly"] and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.
But, instead of crying, I took a deep breath and I texted six friends, asking them for prayer. It helped immensely.
[] [] [] [] []
Shortly after, I called my mom in the hopes that she would be free for lunch because I knew I would need a break. She said she had plans already and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.
But, instead of crying, when she asked if I needed her to cancel, I said yes. We ate and talked. It helped immensely.
[] [] [] [] []
This week was hard. Mostly because I'm trying to make things easier. I brought up what I'm struggling with [see previous post] on Wednesday night to Abigail. And again, on Thursday, to Bethany. And again, tonight, to Jason.
It helped immensely.
I'm dealing with my being an introvert and needing to reserve time for myself and "just say no" to always doing things and the greatest help so far has been sharing it with my community. and that's the point, entirely. I love being able to sit on the phone with my pastor, Jason, and hear him describe his own introverted nature and how it affects him. I love having my extroverted friend, Bethany, say that she's there to do what I can't. And I love having my friend, Abigail, ask me to return to favor when I present her with my plea for prayer and support.
[] [] [] [] []
I am struggling with being introverted in community but I am not really allowing myself to be introverted in community. I remembered tonight about a conversation I had with my friend, Mike, a few months into becoming a part of CCW. Mike, after seeing me exhausted and overwhelmed with a desire to become better friends with everyone, looked at me like I was a lunatic and said, "no one is expecting you to do that, so why are you?" [knowing my anxiety, he also comes up after any worship that involves me talking to the group and offers me praise..it's amusing and much appreciated]
[] [] [] [] []
I keep my feeling inside way more than I should. Until they bubble and seep and boil over. It's why I journal. Privately, and on here. When I was a kid, I used to write these long journal entries with all these feelings and thoughts I had inside and then would drop it like a bomb on my parents for them to read while I went and sat in my room, waiting for their reaction. Now I just kind of give glimpses with this blog and sit at work, waiting for the email from my mom with her reaction.
I wasn't really thinking that I was doing that to poor Jason when I sent him a message to check out my last post.
Lilly, I don't even know what wednesday quilting is...
Wednesday quilting is my favorite night of the week. And without Jason or City Church of Wilmington, my favorite night would not exist. and because I need it to exist, I took a deep breath and did not answer the phone when my friend called tonight about going out.
[] [] [] [] []
Sunday, February 5, 2012
we are waiting for you
my pastor, and friend, Jason, texted me tonight. it was an hour and a half into the super bowl and i had yet to show up to the party. when I finally arrived, several people mentioned my absence from worship this morning. they mention it and I'm obligated to respond to it in some way. with some reason.
some days are just hard to start.
[] [] [] [] []
i didn't go to community group this past tuesday night. two of my friends texted me, asking me where i was and letting me know that i was missed. they mention it and i'm obligated to respond to it in some way. with some reason.
some days are just hard to finish.
[] [] [] [] []
this is my life right now...trying to figure out how to be in community as an introvert.
I blame Jason and his biblical views on how we should live out our faith. City Church of Wilmington is the reason I now have to keep track of my calendar so I don't double book dates. CCW is the reason I now have people texting me to hang out on weekends. Or offering up mornings to grab coffee. CCW is the reason I have people stop in at work just to say hello and see how I'm doing.
Tuesday night community group. Wednesday night quilting. Friday morning meeting about service opportunities. Saturday morning Mug and Muffin. Sunday morning worship with lunch after.
I'm also desperate for a long overdue movie night with a great family I've been neglecting.
[] [] [] [] []
Friday night, I was at Nomad with friends, enjoying some drinks after the art loop. My friend, Bethany, looks at me and says "you should get more involved." My heart started racing and I quickly mumbled about how I've been talking to Jason about helping with outreach which got me off the hook.
I do not understand extroverts. I love them and appreciate them being in my life but being around groups of people is something I have to recover from...it's not a source of energy.
[] [] [] [] []
I want to be involved. I love that my life is full of friendship and love and support and community. but it comes at a cost, and I need to make sure that I'm staying healthy.
I need to make better use of my quiet time. I need to get out of bed- even if I don't get out the door. I need to cook and eat meals [ones that include vegetables]. I need to be honest with people. I need to accept my limits and say no. I need to exercise. I need to journal. I need to create. I need to ask for prayer and support.
[] [] [] [] []
some days are just hard to start.
[] [] [] [] []
i didn't go to community group this past tuesday night. two of my friends texted me, asking me where i was and letting me know that i was missed. they mention it and i'm obligated to respond to it in some way. with some reason.
some days are just hard to finish.
[] [] [] [] []
this is my life right now...trying to figure out how to be in community as an introvert.
I blame Jason and his biblical views on how we should live out our faith. City Church of Wilmington is the reason I now have to keep track of my calendar so I don't double book dates. CCW is the reason I now have people texting me to hang out on weekends. Or offering up mornings to grab coffee. CCW is the reason I have people stop in at work just to say hello and see how I'm doing.
Tuesday night community group. Wednesday night quilting. Friday morning meeting about service opportunities. Saturday morning Mug and Muffin. Sunday morning worship with lunch after.
I'm also desperate for a long overdue movie night with a great family I've been neglecting.
[] [] [] [] []
Friday night, I was at Nomad with friends, enjoying some drinks after the art loop. My friend, Bethany, looks at me and says "you should get more involved." My heart started racing and I quickly mumbled about how I've been talking to Jason about helping with outreach which got me off the hook.
I do not understand extroverts. I love them and appreciate them being in my life but being around groups of people is something I have to recover from...it's not a source of energy.
[] [] [] [] []
I want to be involved. I love that my life is full of friendship and love and support and community. but it comes at a cost, and I need to make sure that I'm staying healthy.
I need to make better use of my quiet time. I need to get out of bed- even if I don't get out the door. I need to cook and eat meals [ones that include vegetables]. I need to be honest with people. I need to accept my limits and say no. I need to exercise. I need to journal. I need to create. I need to ask for prayer and support.
[] [] [] [] []
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
timshel
my current journal, [the handwritten, tear stained, tucked under the mattress variety], has approximately 120 of the 128 pages filled. I'm not really sure when I started it since only a couple entries have dates...post freshman year of college, pre divorce, circa summer '07.
vaguely outlining the last four years of my life, it goes into great detail in some areas [a labelled diagram of my apartment from my second night living here...ugh] while others barely get a page [gave up on putting HP world into words and just scribbled an outline of the castle with 'I want to stay here, always' written underneath].
[] [] [] [] []
when I couldn't find the words to fit the emotions I needed to get out, I stole them from others..
Laura Marling, Pablo Neruda, The Decemberists, Iron & Wine, Jonathon Tropper, Aristotle, Taylor Swift, Joshua Radin, Donald Miller, Stranger Than Fiction, Regina Spektor, Imogen Heap, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, David Sheff, Stephenie Meyer, Jason Mraz, Raymond Carver, Kanye West, Coldplay, Spring Awakening, Mean Girls, Rihanna, Miranda Lambert, The Shins, Glee, Community, Richard "Mike" Craig, John Steinbeck.
[] [] [] [] []
Tucked into the back cover pocket...
- letter never sent to my cousin when he was in prison
- 2 secrets never mailed to frank
- 2 wedding pictures of my parents
- card my sister wrote me on 9/18/09
- 2 pictures of my dad and me when i was little
- panama city, fl newspaper
- photocopy of a coworkers journal entry [feb 2010]
[] [] [] [] []
Noted on the last page are the log ins and passwords to my journals from middle school up to present.
[] [] [] [] []
I usually reread my journal before starting a new one. this one is a weird look into a portion of my life in which i was altered for ever, dramatically. and the chaos that ensued.
[] [] [] [] []
november 2010 -
"i am a much different person. i wonder how many have noticed the changes. i don't know if i am a better person but i know some of the changes were needed. maybe just not the exact way they came about. actually, screw that. i made those choices and i accept that. and i will be a better person whether it is because or in spite of the decisions i make."
[] [] [] [] []
it doesn't house many of my proudest moments. I found short cuts to gaining confidence I had never felt before and self worth I had lost. I found encouragement to go do what I want, when I want, how I want. To be my own person, to make my own decisions and mistakes. So while sprinkled throughout are my half-assed intentions to get back on track, it didn't go too deep. I had cut myself off from God. from any real Christian community or influence. And I was just living life, out on my own.
barf.
[] [] [] [] []
it's interesting, the moments I chose to record. the desires i put in writing. the wisdom and absurdity. the absurdity i once considered wisdom. these pages say nothing and everything about me.
[] [] [] [] []
late winter 2010, early spring 2011 -
"mike told me that i have horrible stories. more [horrible] than anyone else he knows. he finds me interesting. like a car accident, i guess. he also told me that my year of debauchery was my rumspringa. that i need to harbor my positive energy into painting, not just my depression. that i listen to 'little' music. that i can, and should, do anything, everything. that i'm too nice."
later 2011 -
"i've been depressed for a while now. need to force myself back into a schedule. that involves...God, Community, Prayer, Exercise, Friends, Sunshine, Music, Vegetables. I can't seem to get started. everything jumbled and piled on top of me. and the weight is stifling and comfortable."
[] [] [] [] []
my struggles are the same, throughout the entire 120 pages. but i've finally gained ground on them. 2011 was a much better year than the several before it. my need to get back on track started matching up with my desires and behavior. i put effort into my pursuit of healthy community and realized that it was pursuing me as well. And remembered that God was somewhere in the mess of things. I stopped running and let Him catch up.
i have amazing people in my life. creative, intelligent, encouraging, honest, struggling men and women. and that has made all the difference. their love has allowed me to start accepting God's love.
and i am so grateful that i still have five more pages to fill in.
[] [] [] [] []
I've had my next journal sitting in a drawer as long as i've had the current one, waiting to be used. nothing is tucked into the back cover pocket, the last page is still free of the past, but written on the inside of the front are the words stolen from Raymond Carver...
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved in the earth.
[] [] [] [] []
vaguely outlining the last four years of my life, it goes into great detail in some areas [a labelled diagram of my apartment from my second night living here...ugh] while others barely get a page [gave up on putting HP world into words and just scribbled an outline of the castle with 'I want to stay here, always' written underneath].
[] [] [] [] []
when I couldn't find the words to fit the emotions I needed to get out, I stole them from others..
Laura Marling, Pablo Neruda, The Decemberists, Iron & Wine, Jonathon Tropper, Aristotle, Taylor Swift, Joshua Radin, Donald Miller, Stranger Than Fiction, Regina Spektor, Imogen Heap, Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, David Sheff, Stephenie Meyer, Jason Mraz, Raymond Carver, Kanye West, Coldplay, Spring Awakening, Mean Girls, Rihanna, Miranda Lambert, The Shins, Glee, Community, Richard "Mike" Craig, John Steinbeck.
[] [] [] [] []
Tucked into the back cover pocket...
- letter never sent to my cousin when he was in prison
- 2 secrets never mailed to frank
- 2 wedding pictures of my parents
- card my sister wrote me on 9/18/09
- 2 pictures of my dad and me when i was little
- panama city, fl newspaper
- photocopy of a coworkers journal entry [feb 2010]
[] [] [] [] []
Noted on the last page are the log ins and passwords to my journals from middle school up to present.
[] [] [] [] []
I usually reread my journal before starting a new one. this one is a weird look into a portion of my life in which i was altered for ever, dramatically. and the chaos that ensued.
[] [] [] [] []
november 2010 -
"i am a much different person. i wonder how many have noticed the changes. i don't know if i am a better person but i know some of the changes were needed. maybe just not the exact way they came about. actually, screw that. i made those choices and i accept that. and i will be a better person whether it is because or in spite of the decisions i make."
[] [] [] [] []
it doesn't house many of my proudest moments. I found short cuts to gaining confidence I had never felt before and self worth I had lost. I found encouragement to go do what I want, when I want, how I want. To be my own person, to make my own decisions and mistakes. So while sprinkled throughout are my half-assed intentions to get back on track, it didn't go too deep. I had cut myself off from God. from any real Christian community or influence. And I was just living life, out on my own.
barf.
[] [] [] [] []
it's interesting, the moments I chose to record. the desires i put in writing. the wisdom and absurdity. the absurdity i once considered wisdom. these pages say nothing and everything about me.
[] [] [] [] []
late winter 2010, early spring 2011 -
"mike told me that i have horrible stories. more [horrible] than anyone else he knows. he finds me interesting. like a car accident, i guess. he also told me that my year of debauchery was my rumspringa. that i need to harbor my positive energy into painting, not just my depression. that i listen to 'little' music. that i can, and should, do anything, everything. that i'm too nice."
later 2011 -
"i've been depressed for a while now. need to force myself back into a schedule. that involves...God, Community, Prayer, Exercise, Friends, Sunshine, Music, Vegetables. I can't seem to get started. everything jumbled and piled on top of me. and the weight is stifling and comfortable."
[] [] [] [] []
my struggles are the same, throughout the entire 120 pages. but i've finally gained ground on them. 2011 was a much better year than the several before it. my need to get back on track started matching up with my desires and behavior. i put effort into my pursuit of healthy community and realized that it was pursuing me as well. And remembered that God was somewhere in the mess of things. I stopped running and let Him catch up.
i have amazing people in my life. creative, intelligent, encouraging, honest, struggling men and women. and that has made all the difference. their love has allowed me to start accepting God's love.
and i am so grateful that i still have five more pages to fill in.
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I've had my next journal sitting in a drawer as long as i've had the current one, waiting to be used. nothing is tucked into the back cover pocket, the last page is still free of the past, but written on the inside of the front are the words stolen from Raymond Carver...
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved in the earth.
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