cause & effect

last night, I had nightmares. tonight, i ate a lot of cookies.

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"Do you take pride in your hurt?" Samuel asked. "Does it make you seem large and tragic?"

- p 293

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"Abra, my mother was a whore."
"I know. You told me. My father was a thief."
"I've got her blood, Abra. Don't you understand?"
"I've got his," she said.

-p 596

reconcile

Verb:
Restore friendly relations between
Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.

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I got to work today and it was one of those days where I knew if someone looked at me wrong, I was going to burst into tears. Then my coworker said something to me [i think it was "hey, Lilly"] and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.

But, instead of crying, I took a deep breath and I texted six friends, asking them for prayer. It helped immensely.

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Shortly after, I called my mom in the hopes that she would be free for lunch because I knew I would need a break. She said she had plans already and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.

But, instead of crying, when she asked if I needed her to cancel, I said yes. We ate and talked. It helped immensely.

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This week was hard. Mostly because I'm trying to make things easier. I brought up what I'm struggling with [see previous post] on Wednesday night to Abigail. And again, on Thursday, to Bethany. And again, tonight, to Jason.

It helped immensely.

I'm dealing with my being an introvert and needing to reserve time for myself and "just say no" to always doing things and the greatest help so far has been sharing it with my community. and that's the point, entirely. I love being able to sit on the phone with my pastor, Jason, and hear him describe his own introverted nature and how it affects him. I love having my extroverted friend, Bethany, say that she's there to do what I can't. And I love having my friend, Abigail, ask me to return to favor when I present her with my plea for prayer and support.

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I am struggling with being introverted in community but I am not really allowing myself to be introverted in community. I remembered tonight about a conversation I had with my friend, Mike, a few months into becoming a part of CCW. Mike, after seeing me exhausted and overwhelmed with a desire to become better friends with everyone, looked at me like I was a lunatic and said, "no one is expecting you to do that, so why are you?" [knowing my anxiety, he also comes up after any worship that involves me talking to the group and offers me praise..it's amusing and much appreciated]

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I keep my feeling inside way more than I should. Until they bubble and seep and boil over. It's why I journal. Privately, and on here. When I was a kid, I used to write these long journal entries with all these feelings and thoughts I had inside and then would drop it like a bomb on my parents for them to read while I went and sat in my room, waiting for their reaction. Now I just kind of give glimpses with this blog and sit at work, waiting for the email from my mom with her reaction.

I wasn't really thinking that I was doing that to poor Jason when I sent him a message to check out my last post.

Lilly, I don't even know what wednesday quilting is...

Wednesday quilting is my favorite night of the week. And without Jason or City Church of Wilmington, my favorite night would not exist. and because I need it to exist, I took a deep breath and did not answer the phone when my friend called tonight about going out.

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we are waiting for you

my pastor, and friend, Jason, texted me tonight. it was an hour and a half into the super bowl and i had yet to show up to the party. when I finally arrived, several people mentioned my absence from worship this morning. they mention it and I'm obligated to respond to it in some way. with some reason.

some days are just hard to start.

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i didn't go to community group this past tuesday night. two of my friends texted me, asking me where i was and letting me know that i was missed. they mention it and i'm obligated to respond to it in some way. with some reason.

some days are just hard to finish.

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this is my life right now...trying to figure out how to be in community as an introvert.

I blame Jason and his biblical views on how we should live out our faith. City Church of Wilmington is the reason I now have to keep track of my calendar so I don't double book dates. CCW is the reason I now have people texting me to hang out on weekends. Or offering up mornings to grab coffee. CCW is the reason I have people stop in at work just to say hello and see how I'm doing.

Tuesday night community group. Wednesday night quilting. Friday morning meeting about service opportunities. Saturday morning Mug and Muffin. Sunday morning worship with lunch after.

I'm also desperate for a long overdue movie night with a great family I've been neglecting.

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Friday night, I was at Nomad with friends, enjoying some drinks after the art loop. My friend, Bethany, looks at me and says "you should get more involved." My heart started racing and I quickly mumbled about how I've been talking to Jason about helping with outreach which got me off the hook.

I do not understand extroverts. I love them and appreciate them being in my life but being around groups of people is something I have to recover from...it's not a source of energy.

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I want to be involved. I love that my life is full of friendship and love and support and community. but it comes at a cost, and I need to make sure that I'm staying healthy.

I need to make better use of my quiet time. I need to get out of bed- even if I don't get out the door. I need to cook and eat meals [ones that include vegetables]. I need to be honest with people. I need to accept my limits and say no. I need to exercise. I need to journal. I need to create. I need to ask for prayer and support.

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