reconcile

Verb:
Restore friendly relations between
Cause to coexist in harmony; make or show to be compatible.

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I got to work today and it was one of those days where I knew if someone looked at me wrong, I was going to burst into tears. Then my coworker said something to me [i think it was "hey, Lilly"] and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.

But, instead of crying, I took a deep breath and I texted six friends, asking them for prayer. It helped immensely.

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Shortly after, I called my mom in the hopes that she would be free for lunch because I knew I would need a break. She said she had plans already and I almost burst into tears and I realized it was going to be impossible to exist.

But, instead of crying, when she asked if I needed her to cancel, I said yes. We ate and talked. It helped immensely.

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This week was hard. Mostly because I'm trying to make things easier. I brought up what I'm struggling with [see previous post] on Wednesday night to Abigail. And again, on Thursday, to Bethany. And again, tonight, to Jason.

It helped immensely.

I'm dealing with my being an introvert and needing to reserve time for myself and "just say no" to always doing things and the greatest help so far has been sharing it with my community. and that's the point, entirely. I love being able to sit on the phone with my pastor, Jason, and hear him describe his own introverted nature and how it affects him. I love having my extroverted friend, Bethany, say that she's there to do what I can't. And I love having my friend, Abigail, ask me to return to favor when I present her with my plea for prayer and support.

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I am struggling with being introverted in community but I am not really allowing myself to be introverted in community. I remembered tonight about a conversation I had with my friend, Mike, a few months into becoming a part of CCW. Mike, after seeing me exhausted and overwhelmed with a desire to become better friends with everyone, looked at me like I was a lunatic and said, "no one is expecting you to do that, so why are you?" [knowing my anxiety, he also comes up after any worship that involves me talking to the group and offers me praise..it's amusing and much appreciated]

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I keep my feeling inside way more than I should. Until they bubble and seep and boil over. It's why I journal. Privately, and on here. When I was a kid, I used to write these long journal entries with all these feelings and thoughts I had inside and then would drop it like a bomb on my parents for them to read while I went and sat in my room, waiting for their reaction. Now I just kind of give glimpses with this blog and sit at work, waiting for the email from my mom with her reaction.

I wasn't really thinking that I was doing that to poor Jason when I sent him a message to check out my last post.

Lilly, I don't even know what wednesday quilting is...

Wednesday quilting is my favorite night of the week. And without Jason or City Church of Wilmington, my favorite night would not exist. and because I need it to exist, I took a deep breath and did not answer the phone when my friend called tonight about going out.

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